WANTED: a baby!

As a woman, I am willing to admit that within the last 8-12 months, I have been feeling new feelings.
New broody, motherly feelings.

And I would be lying right now, if I said, I don’t want a baby.

You see, on the one side, I consider myself still too young to have a baby.
Plus, when I want to go out, who’s going to take care of the baby?
When are me and my partner going to find time for eachother?
When we go on holiday, who is going to watch the baby while I bathe in the sun and drink cocktails?
Who is going to clean the poop out of the carpet and the snot off of the walls?

But on the other side,
Part of me yearns to have a little bundle, to cuddle and to kiss.
All broody women must know this feeling.
That longing, hurting feeling inside which you just can’t shake.
A feeling that is fundamental to womanhood and reproduction.
We want a little baby to teach and to guide, a little person who we can be ultimately proud of and to clap for and shout and smile and laugh when they do silly things or gain achievements.

A little Max or Jessica to bestow all worldly gifts on and those other gifts that can only come through unconditional love and family.
I long to see a little baby, that has parts of me and parts of my wonderful partner in their little face, their little smile, their little fingers and toes and their little eyes.

I guess it all comes down to commitment right?

You see, part of me is ready to commit and be that person for that baby.
But the other half is scared and uncertain.

What if?
What if?
What if?

I long to hear that baby cry.
I long to see their beautiful face.
I long to hold that person, knowing that I created it, that it came from me and my partner.
The baby is a seal to the love he and I share together and the love we can bestow on to our child.

One thing I am certain of though, is that my partner is not ready to have children.
He has told me numerous times, over and over, every time I have mentioned it.
And it’s not that I can’t wait.
It’s just the feeling I have inside, it burns me almost, to long for something, knowing that i can’t have it just yet. If I could just wait a little longer….

But it just seems as though, now, is not the right time for us. Even though it hurts.

Maybe next year….