On a personal note: Love

How can I be mad at him when he is staring at me straight in the face?

I console myself in thinking, that every time we fight and argue against each other, we are learning something new about each other, and will get on better the next time.

I feel lost like Juliet and poetic like Romeo.

When he is apart from me, I hate him. I loathe his very being and his resolve to stay away from me. I fight him some more, just to show him how hurt I am inside.

Yet, even when we are together, we do exactly as he wants and exactly as he likes.
When I become too much of a burden, I am cast off, by injection of small hints and conversation about how we should do as we please but cannot in front of guests, such as myself.

I see my flaws and I see his flaws.

Love is too strong.
Love hurts too much.
Love is painful.

I refuse to give up on someone who has brought so much joy and happiness and love to my life and my soul.

How could I cast off my only true friend?
My only lover? The one who has vowed to stay by my side forever.

Can I see the future, in which he stands by my side?
Not at the moment.

I see clouds hiding the sunlight from me.
My favourite thing in the world, hidden away from my eyes.

I wish I could see the sun again.

Photography Challenge: Day 9-Someone I love

This is the man who stole my heart almost two years ago now.

Our story is going to sound very clichΓ©, but nonetheless it is true.

You see, throughout my years growing up, from past experiences, I found it really hard to trust guys. I mean really hard. It was literally impossible.

My mind was filled with doubts and limitations to the relationships I had and so that always managed to affect my relationships in a negative way.

This man and I met August 14th 2012 in a bar for the first time.
I was attracted to his smile and his witty expressions, and the fact that he was really chatty helped, because I was so shy and trying not to come across as weird in any shape or form.

It took about a year for me to finally let him in, to finally be able to trust him with my life.

It may seem like a short time to some of you, but to me, it felt like an age.

Since then, we have been through a lot. The arguments and the ups and downs have been draining and stressful to say the very least.

But the fact that we have made it through up until now, the fact that we are still so in love, the fact that when we see each other, we are so physically close and so wrapped up in our own world of fun, and that we are so supportive of each others lifestyle, so respectful of each others boundaries and understanding of our emotions, makes it all worth while.

One day, I will marry this man.

If you have someone like this in your life, remember that no relationship is perfect and without the fights and the arguments, there would be no growth, no being able to work better with eachother, no improvement to the love you share.
After all, if you always stay the same, and nothing ever changes, wouldn’t it be so boring?

God bless
Stay positive

Beth

Write my life

It all began 4 days after Christmas in 1992.
At 9:42, I squeezed out of my mums belly and I became Bethany.
My mum took me home with her and I lived in a big house with my two older brothers, my sister, my parents, and various animals including cats, dogs, mice, guinea pigs, rabbits and fish.

I had such a great childhood.
It was filled with lovely people such as my three nanas, my grandad and my huge families including numerous cousins and aunties and uncles.
My brothers, sister and I were always outside, creating mischief wherever we went, although there were the odd days when we would sit down and make perfumes from cold rain water and flower petals, or daisy chains from the green outside our front door.
We were always getting into trouble and often we would get punished for it.
I remember that I once took a bracelet from a store where my older brother had been to get new shoes.
Yup, I got smacked that evening.
But us kids were happy together and we had so much fun.

When I was nine, things started to go wrong and my dad flipped out and went totally crazy on us all.
I won’t go into too much detail but let’s just say, my siblings and I were made victims to the onslaught.
For years, the fighting and the arguing went on between us all and it saw my parents split and my childhood home vanish from our hands into the hands of strangers.
My achievements at school had gone from good to bad to worse. The girls I went to school with began to make fun of me and the problems I was having at home and at the age of 13, I dropped out of school altogether.

My mum, my siblings and I had moved several times since our parents split and we had found it extremely hard to make ends meet.
Some days we struggled to eat and struggled to keep warm. My mum told me that if I wanted a new coat for the snow, bearing in mind I didn’t have one, then I had to get a job and pay for it myself.
Even when the lock on our front door broke and we couldn’t afford to get it fixed, we had to leave the door hanging on the latch and my brothers would make sure no one would come in whilst we were sleeping in the night.
During this period of our lives, my mum had another baby.
My little brother Leo, who I adore with my entire being.

About that time, I started running off to London for weeks at a time, to escape the pain I was feeling at home. My sister was bullying me and my dad kept coming back to our home to threaten and hurt our mum.
I would meet strangers on the street and they would become friends.
I had a different boyfriend every two weeks and I rarely ate any food.
I was 14 years old.

On my final evening in London, I had been locked up in a house by a “friend”. She had left me there with two adult guys.
One of them threatened to take my belongings and force me to perform a sexual act on him at knifepoint.
Luckily though, the other male saved me from this ordeal and managed to get me out of the house and to the nearest bus stop for me to get back to where I was staying.

The next day, stunned at the event of the previous evening, I decided enough was enough, and I went back to my mums house.

I lolled for months.
By this time I was 15.
I didn’t get a job, I ate so much junk food, never exercised, watched tv all day and cried about how crappy life was for me.

When I turned 16, I was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery.
My spleen had spontaneously ruptured and I was dying from internal bleeding.
Somehow, by pure miracle and lots of amazing life saving people working in the hospital, I lived to tell the story.

It took a long time for me to get over the trauma of the event but eventually, I started to build a life for myself.
I learned new things, got myself a job, cared more about other people, made friends,
And I even got to travel to a few cool places like Italy.

The one thing that held me down though, was the fact that I had by then, developed a severe eating disorder.

After a couple of years, I was on the road to recovery and was aiming higher and higher and achieving more and more. My future looked bright. I was happy and healthy.

Then came the next blow.
My aunt, who had previously won a battle against ovarian cancer, had learned that the cancer had come back and this time, there was too little time to save her.
She went into a hospice and I remember our final meeting there.
I don’t want to go into any further detail from here.

I went to her funeral. I cried.
I still don’t feel like I have grieved enough for her but that will come in time.

Around that time, anorexia had relapsed within me and I began to control my food intake and exercise again, this time even more so severely.

I met a man named Lewis and about a month after we had begun dating, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
I said yes.

Almost two years later and we have had so many ups and downs but our relationship is definitely worth fighting for.

In recent months, I have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression and given medication to take for it.
I quit the job I was unhappy in and now I have no income.
I am happier.
But I am seeking a new life for myself.
I am seeking something better for myself.

To be continued…

Cheese Lover: Enter here

Let me introduce you to Queso Fundido-a dish of melted cheese with your choice of topping, made for your taste buds ultimate satisfaction.

Queso Fundido.
The fast growing Mexican snack made of pure happiness.

It is essentially cheese, melted in a skillet or pan, baked even, for 4-5 minutes in the oven, until soft and gooey enough for dippers to get their fill, with chorizo, peppers, sausage, bacon, whatever your choice, solely for your added pleasure.

Grab a handful of nachos or chips, scoop up your hot cheese and enjoy. Savour the tastes in your mouth and accept that this cheesy experience is pure bliss.

Work less, Live more: How to create satisfaction in your life.

I recently came across a very talented person’s inspiring blog site.

This blogger, has a personal belief, to ‘work less and live more’, and I thought, that would be awesome!

So, what do you think?
Could you work less and live more?

Imagine it.
There would be no alarm clocks.
No uniforms or suits to pull on.
No need for the breakfast rush.
No need for the commute.
No need for the colleagues who put you down or the boss who orders you around like no end.

There would be,
Lots of parties
Lots of opportunity to try new things
More family time
Less stress
More personal choice
Less money
A simpler life.

The question you have to ask yourself is, “are you willing to trade your time, your life for your job?”
If yes, then that’s okay, read no more.
If not, then ask yourself “are you willing to trade your time, your life, for something that you love doing?”

Now, I’m going to take a wild guess and imagine that your answer to the last question, is yes.

The thing is, most of us are worriers. There is always the talk of money, when it comes to jobs, careers, giving it all up and finally doing what you love in life etc.

I mean after all, we all have bills to pay and families to keep.

Ask yourself, “what is it that I love doing?”, “if money, time, people, jobs, did not tie me down, what would I be doing right now?”

When you know the answer to this, ask yourself “how can I make money doing what I love?”

This could prove tricky for the imagination that has been cut off so many times, but the most amazing thing is, that it could be absolutely anything!

If you love to write, start a blog online and use affiliate marketing to bring in some cash.
If you love to exercise, offer your services as a trainer or set up weekly classes for everyone in the community, charging a small amount for each participant.
If you love to act, act out your scenes and put them on YouTube!
If you love to make yourself look gorgeous and pretty, do that, take pictures, offer yourself up to modelling agencies or vlog how you do it via YouTube.
If you love to garden, cook, walk dogs, sit at home all day and relax, whatever it is you love doing, you can make money from it!

So don’t worry about it, don’t have a baby!
It will all be okay.
You know why?
Because you’re doing what you love.
You’re ineffectually, living life the way you want to live it.
And because you love it so much, you give 110% to all of it.
Therefore, productivity is boosted.
Happiness is boosted.
Stress is sent away and people love that!
People love services and products created by happy productive people who love what they’re doing!

So if you’re worried about money, don’t worry, because chances are, if you enjoy life, money will follow you and magically end up in your pocket before you know it.

So go ahead, book that holiday to the Bahamas! Impregnate your wife! Buy a mansion! Buy a Lamborghini! Do whatever it is that you want to do.

Because you know, life is short.
At any moment, life could stop completely and forever.
And to regret life, is to have not lived at all.

Sun, grass…and breakfast picnics?

So I had this really neat idea.
Next weekend, I am taking my boyfriend and friends and we are going for a breakfast picnic in the park.

The plan is to ride our bikes down, set out a picnic in a sunny spot, eat, chill and play games for the morning like tennis, cards and football!

I’m so excited and I cannot wait!

We are going to have breakfast sandwiches, croissants, granola, pineapples and bananas and apples and grapes and strawberries and yoghurts and juices and waters and it is going to be doubly super fantastic!!

Wish us luck and maybe try out your own breakfast picnic πŸ™‚

Flawed: It’s okay

Advice from someone who knows.

“1. a feature that mars the perfection of something; defect; fault: beauty without flaw; the flaws in our plan”

Imperfection is perfection.

So,

You have hairy toes

You weigh ten to twenty pounds more than what you’d really like to

You bite your nails when you get nervous

You giggle at inappropriate moments

And, you always forget at least one thing when you go grocery shopping.

Guess what, you’re perfect!!!

You are the perfect imperfect version of yourself.

You, are you!

And you should be grateful for that.

Because their is no one out their that is quite as unique and as special as you are.

If you are lucky, you will know this, completely and whole heartedly.

But, if you don’t know this, you may have some things you want to change about yourself.

You want to be ‘that’ person you see in your mind’s eye.

If it means that much to you, do it.

Time is ticking. Life is short. Do what you want to do. Be who you want to be.

CAUTION: Often, we change our habits and lifestyles, ourselves and everything about us to impress others.
Changing things about yourself, for yourself can empower you if they are your genuine beliefs.
Changing things about yourself, for others, does not bode well for your future.
Because eventually, you will find a wall.
You will hit this wall.
And realise that deep down, you are still the same person as before.

Learn to accept yourself.
Learn to be proud of yourself, of everything you have been through and everything you have achieved. Even the little things. They matter too.

You matter.

All the little things about you, they matter.

Believe in yourself.

God bless

Good luck

I believe in you

Love to all

“You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out, talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder
and know that right here, right now,
You can be beautiful, wonderful, anything you want to be”

Men and their exes.

Since I have begun having a serious relationship some years ago,
I have always been dogged by a black cloud hanging over me.

The thought of my lovers ex.

Now I guess that it is very irrational to allow such a thought to occupy my mind

But it frightens me.

What if she was prettier than me?
What if she was funnier or more girly then me?
What if she was thinner and graceful and elegant? All those things which I am not.

And what if she wants him back?
What if he still loves her?
What if he still thinks about her?

My guess is that this idea is irrational and this doubt of my own worth that I’m clinging on to, can only bring clinical depression and a steady drinking problem to my life.

Recently my partner and I conducted an experiment.
We decided to contact our ex partners, to make contact and to show friendliness.

Luckily, I ended my previous relationship on good terms and have found a good friend in this man.
Someone I can talk to and someone who knows me.

Unluckily for my partner, his ex and him ended things on a bad note.
My partner says that he just thinks of her as another person now.
That she holds no control over his emotions anymore.
He can see that he was never in love with her and how distorted their relationship was, much to my delight.

He has also said, that he would like to make peace and not have any “enemies” in the world and can do so via this experiment.

As I noted his conversation with her, uneasiness gripped me and those self doubting thoughts flooded my mind.

What do I do?

What is he going to think?

Simple!
These thoughts I am having are limiting beliefs and I am worth much more than any of that.

If he wants to go back to her, that’s okay.
If she wants him back, that’s okay too.
If he still thinks about her in a romantic way, then he is not being true to me.
Not that I have any real reason to believe this but you know how speculation works.

I’m not going to get upset or let it be “the end of the world”, because I am worth much more than any person wanting to hurt others.

And if you’re in a similar situation, just know, you are worth much more too.

WANTED: a baby!

As a woman, I am willing to admit that within the last 8-12 months, I have been feeling new feelings.
New broody, motherly feelings.

And I would be lying right now, if I said, I don’t want a baby.

You see, on the one side, I consider myself still too young to have a baby.
Plus, when I want to go out, who’s going to take care of the baby?
When are me and my partner going to find time for eachother?
When we go on holiday, who is going to watch the baby while I bathe in the sun and drink cocktails?
Who is going to clean the poop out of the carpet and the snot off of the walls?

But on the other side,
Part of me yearns to have a little bundle, to cuddle and to kiss.
All broody women must know this feeling.
That longing, hurting feeling inside which you just can’t shake.
A feeling that is fundamental to womanhood and reproduction.
We want a little baby to teach and to guide, a little person who we can be ultimately proud of and to clap for and shout and smile and laugh when they do silly things or gain achievements.

A little Max or Jessica to bestow all worldly gifts on and those other gifts that can only come through unconditional love and family.
I long to see a little baby, that has parts of me and parts of my wonderful partner in their little face, their little smile, their little fingers and toes and their little eyes.

I guess it all comes down to commitment right?

You see, part of me is ready to commit and be that person for that baby.
But the other half is scared and uncertain.

What if?
What if?
What if?

I long to hear that baby cry.
I long to see their beautiful face.
I long to hold that person, knowing that I created it, that it came from me and my partner.
The baby is a seal to the love he and I share together and the love we can bestow on to our child.

One thing I am certain of though, is that my partner is not ready to have children.
He has told me numerous times, over and over, every time I have mentioned it.
And it’s not that I can’t wait.
It’s just the feeling I have inside, it burns me almost, to long for something, knowing that i can’t have it just yet. If I could just wait a little longer….

But it just seems as though, now, is not the right time for us. Even though it hurts.

Maybe next year….

Littlest pleasures in life

Everybody who has ever lived has known some kind of pleasure, no matter how great or small.
Here are some of the things that bring us a little piece of ecstasy every day.

Spreading out starfish in a big bed!
I don’t know about you but I just love the feeling of jumping into bed, and spreading out starfish style. It feels so good and the freshness and coldness of the bed gives me a buzz through my entire body.
Can’t beat that feeling.

Spending quality time with someone you love
What is more enjoyable and pleasant than spending quality time with someone you really love? Be it your mum, your sibling, your grandparent, your lover, your best friend even.
And when I say quality, I mean the kind of time spent doing something meaningful to both of you.
For me, my partner and I both enjoy snuggling down, watching movies on the sofa. I love going for walks with my little brother and I really enjoy having meaningful conversations with my nan.
It is also important for me, as an individual, to create quality time to spend with myself. For example, I will go to a yoga class or write in my journal or take a long hot steamy bath. Because it’s important to me, to make time for me.

Waking up without the alarm going off after a long restful sleep.
Oh that feeling! That feeling!
You know how it feels on a Saturday morning, after five long tiresome days of being literally forced out of bed by the alarm clock at 6am, to wake of your own accord in your big comfy warm and snuggly bed without that harsh beeping sound violating your ears.
That feeling is worth living for!

That feeling you get when you jump into a steamy hot bath after a stressful day.
(Let me rephrase-steamy hot bath that doesn’t burn when you jump in!)
It’s been a long day.
The boss is getting up your arse about how you’re lacking
Your mum called asking when you’re coming over for dinner again
Your best friend wants your advice on her latest lover
And your brother wants a loan to invest in the latest fashionable death trap.
There is only one solution to the hustle and bustle of this crazy life.
That’s right! Jump in the bath!
The feeling you get, that “and release, and breathe” feeling cannot be replaced with any other I know of.
Feeling stressed? You know what to do.

Eating warm food and taking warm drinks after coming in from the cold.
Ooohhhh remember those days that were snowed on and you couldn’t get to work so you went outside and played instead?
How could you forget?
That biting wind that sealed your extremities in a layer of frost?
Remember coming inside, stripping off your wet clothes, sitting down by the warmest place you could find with your soup and your tea?
Ahhh what bliss! The feeling of warmth running through your body again.

Feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin on a hot summers day πŸ™‚
Ahhh the feeling of summer is nearby indeed.

A certain smell that reminds you of old times or old memories.
For me, the most potent scent I have ever come across and have only come across once since the last time I smelt it, is my grandfathers cigars.
What an amazing smell!

A small baby in your arms πŸ™‚
Again this is one to tug at your heart strings.
That maternal feeling I get when I hold a little baby in my arms is unlike any other feeling I know.
It’s crazy but it’s there.
I can’t wait to have my own little family πŸ™‚

Fresh open air!
When you go outside into the open after a long time shut away indoors and that long breath of cold fresh air invades your body.
It’s amazing isn’t it!

Candlelight.
Candlelight is an amazing source of calm.
You may not know it yet but lighting really affects your mood.
Bright and harsh lighting can make you feel alert and exactly that, harsh.
Soft and calm lighting makes you feel calm and sensible and sensitive and happy πŸ™‚

The feeling of accomplishing something!
So you’ve just finished the book you’ve been reading forever or you’ve just graduated from university!
No matter how big or small your accomplishment is, celebrate it!
Acknowledge that you have worked hard to get where you are because that feeling of greater understanding, of growth and gain is a feeling that should be and can be cherished over and over again πŸ™‚ never get tired of accomplishing things πŸ™‚

One word: PARTY!!!!!
Everyone loves a party.
When you can let your hair down, wear something really daring, get drunker than your aunt and dance in weird ways that you don’t really care about anymore.
The feeling of being able to do that and to have a good time is sweet.
Go out there, look for your party!!

Last but NOT LEAST
Receiving love and giving love.
For those of you who have families and have happiness and have gratitude and all of those wonderful things in your life, you will know the special feeling of giving love and getting it back in return.
Whether it’s with your best friend, from your baby son or daughter, your partner or wife or husband or your mum or dad.
Keep loving πŸ™‚